WTFBBQ

While the ex was deployed, it gave me time to really spend on myself. I was in a really great place actually, despite the fact that I rarely had a break from my 2 very young daughters I was almost completely content. I was able to just shrug off a bad day like it was just a small blip on the radar.

Lately I have been all over the place and it's consuming me. I change my mind daily about my feelings on relationships, jobs, my weight, and everything else. This needs to stop. I have too many things in my life that I am unable to control and I need to just suck it up and take a stand on the things that I can control.

Instead of sticking with a guy and being "whatever" because it makes me feel happy at the time I need to just let it go and see what happens. Said guy can't mean that much to me if I don't mean enough to him to get a call back. Life is not based on the fact that a person is single, engaged, divorced, in a relationship. None of the labels matter in the end, it's the good times that we share with good people that matter.

The focus in my life needs to be on my daughters and myself, and if along the way I meet Mr. Right then that is just an added bonus. I shouldn't feel like I need to lower my standards because I am divorced and have 2 beautiful daughters. I have learned so much from being in a crappy marriage and being a parent and I am definitely a better person for it. So here's to a girl's weekend and NOT making "bad decisions".

There should be a Douchebag Academy

My daughters are the most important people in my life and always will be which is why I am determined to make their life as amazing as it should be. Their father apparently does not feel this way. The joke of a child support payment that he makes will not be coming in this month because his lawyer suggested that he does not make any more payments until our court date a MONTH away. I suppose I should pull some money out of my ass for pull ups, diapers, milk, food... I don't get it.

Luckily I have awesome parents that have helped me out with everything the past few months, but I hate that my daughters have become their financial responsibility because their father would rather spend his money on a gay ass car. It's all for show and it's all about him, he could care less that I am trying desperately to pay for my Spring college course so that I can become an RN and provide for these girls. They deserve to live with me in a house of their own, not forever with their grandparents and I.

It's so frustrating to me that so many people are money grubbing two faced bastards. All he cares about is how he appears (well I suppose not physically) to other people. "Oooo look at my car! Look how I seem to care about my daughters, but really when I have them I pawn them off on all of my relatives!" I despise that. Present your true self for once. All of the smart people have already caught on to your lies and soon enough your cover will be blown.

Future man of my dreams

Dear future man of my dreams,

Obviously if you are reading this you have the body of Ryan Reynolds in Blade Trinity, make me banana chocolate chip pancakes every weekend, let me sleep in while you watch the kids, make an absurd amount of money, and will never cheat on me. Oh and if you could love me unconditionally always and forever that would be greeeeat ;-)

I don't understand

If you are tired of your situation then change it. Some things can't be fixed overnight, and there are also many things that you can't just undo but if you have the balls to complain so fucking much about hating something that you CAN fix then do it or shut the fuck up. Stop blaming everyone and everything else for your misery and don't give a bunch of lame ass excuses. Sob stories will only get you so far in life and then the people who think that they are your friends will get sick of it and roll out.

Did you ever think that you only get what you give?

Oh treadmill, how I have missed thee!!

I got my dear Tready back 5 days ago and haven't been able to stop using it. I am dead set on getting these almost 10 pounds off that I have gained since the separation.

I really didn't do so much emotional eating but I think going from my routine of logging at least 10 miles a week to basically nada just piled on the pounds. The alcohol on the weekends didn't help either.

Anyhooters, I have started doing yoga a few times a week (how I LOVE ExerciseTV on demand) and I have logged 6.8 miles in 4 days on dear Tready and I am down to 121.6 lbs. Eh.... it's a far cry from the 111 I was a few months ago but then again that was before I got my boobies too and I believe these puppies are about 2-3 pounds total. I am seeing a lot more definition in my shoulders and legs already though which is fabulous!

I suppose I should have a day of rest so my muscles don't kill me, but I really want to get some exercise in. Maybe a brisk walk in those shoes I got from Avon that are supposed to be like the MBT's. I don't know how I feel about them yet...

Every time I fill out one of those stupid surveys on myspace my mind goes completely blank when the question is something stupid like "what is your favorite food?". Do I really not know myself well enough to say right away what that is? I think it is more that I just like to switch things up often, like a lot of other people.

Sure it is nice to have a fair amount of certainty in everyday life, I like to know that I am going to sleep in the same bed every night (okay sometimes it is nice to sleep in other beds too, but that is beside the point). But do most people have a single favorite food that they could eat at any time and be completely satisfied with?

I think it would be really funny to see how my tastes have changed over the past 10 years or so when it comes to my favorites. Maybe I'll start a list today and then come back to it in a few years to see how different I am.

Divorce is a funny thing to me, but then again so is marriage. I have been wondering lately what the point of marriage is besides the stability and maybe having health insurance through a spouse. I know it sounds cynical, but I think that there are so many married people out there that are completely unhappy. Sure there are some happy ones, and I am all for that. I might be lucky enough to someday find the perfect guy... perfect for me that is... and I might decide to try the marriage thing again.

After all that is what we are supposed to do, right? My best friend has told me that she has been feeling so pressured to get married and have kids lately because it seems like everyone else our age is doing it. It's sad but so true, so many of us rush into doing things because we feel like they need to happen.

Since I am in the middle of a divorce, I am feeling the opposite. I am in my early 20's and I have 2 kids already and soon enough I will be lucky enough to say that I am divorced. It is really weird to get into the swing of being without a husband and being without my kids some of the time too. I was a stay at home mom for over 3 years and now I have to get myself reacquainted with the job world.

I was lucky enough to be able to go down to the beach this weekend for Bike Week and that really helped to clear my head of silly thoughts. I suppose the beach, bikes, booze, and hot as shit boys will help to do that though ;)